Mr. Badger and the Difficult Duchess Read online

  Mr

  Badger

  and the

  Difficult Duchess

  Leigh HOBBS

  First published in 2011

  Copyright © Leigh Hobbs 2011

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. The Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or ten per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act.

  Allen & Unwin

  83 Alexander Street

  Crows Nest NSW 2065 Australia

  Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

  Fax: (61 2) 9906 2218

  Email: [email protected]

  Web: www.allenandunwin.com

  Cataloguing-in-Publication entry is available from

  the National Library of Australia

  www.trove.nla.gov.au

  ISBN 978 1 74237 419 2

  Cover and text design by Sandra Nobes

  Set in 15 pt Cochin by Sandra Nobes

  Author photograph by Peter Gray

  This book was printed in January 2011 at McPherson’s Printing Group,

  76 Nelson Street, Maryborough, Victoria 3465, Australia

  www.mcphersonsprinting.com.au

  The author wishes to acknowledge the invaluable assistance of the Badger gang,

  Erica Wagner, Sandra Nobes and Elise Jones.

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  For Andrea Reece

  Contents

  1 Special Guests

  2 Mr Badger’s Diary

  3 An Unexpected Guest

  4 A Guest in Distress

  5 The Demanding Duchess

  6 The Special Guest’s Requests

  7 Stamps Galore

  8 An Unexpected Entrance

  9 A Stamp of Approval

  10 A Cup of Cocoa and a Chat

  CHAPTER 1

  Special Guests

  Mr Badger had excellent manners plus a great deal of patience. But you probably knew that already.

  This is why he didn’t just manage special events at the Boubles Grand Hotel (pronounced Boublay). Mr Badger was also the Manager of Special Guests – and sometimes very special guests.

  Special guests weren’t treated all that differently to anyone else. It was just that film stars and princesses, kings, queens and famous orchestra conductors often caused a fuss because people wanted to stare at them and point. Or ask them for their autographs while they ate their dinner in the Boubles Grand Hotel Dining Room, or enjoyed afternoon tea in the lounge.

  And one must say that special guests were often quite demanding when it came to their rooms and meals, just for a start. Celebrities are used to being the centre of attention, so naturally when they stayed at the Boubles Grand Hotel they expected a lot of looking after.

  Some extremely important people wore disguises in the dining room. Others preferred to keep out of reach and stay in their rooms, away from their fans and the staring public. They were the ones who didn’t like being looked at.

  Some guests went to a lot of trouble so as not to be recognised.

  Mr Badger knew this from experience.

  After all, you couldn’t possibly have people interrupting a king or queen to ask for their autograph while they were eating breakfast. Or, worse still, pestering them to pose for a photograph while they were holding a piece of toast or eating cornflakes.

  CHAPTER 2

  Mr Badger’s

  Diary

  Each guest at the Boubles Grand Hotel was important, and every one of them was treated with the utmost courtesy by the staff.

  Still, Miss Pims, Mr Badger’s helpful assistant, always left a note in Mr Badger’s diary if someone special – say a duke, or a famous actor, or the latest celebrity – had reserved a suite at the Boubles Grand Hotel.

  On this particular day, Mr Badger arrived for work in the early hours as he always did and opened his diary to study the coming day’s events.

  Every day there were all manner of things for Mr Badger to do and check and order and look at. And every one of them was carefully noted in his diary by Miss Pims.

  Every morning Mr Badger checked his diary.

  For instance, today the diary said:

  1. Order flowers for the Philatelic Society Annual Dinner to be held tonight in the Grand Ballroom. (Sir Cecil and Lady Celia were the patrons of the stamp-collectors’ society. This was the members’ chance to meet and swap stamps.)

  2. Clean the chandelier and polish the floors in the Grand Ballroom.

  3. Wipe Algernon’s case. (As usual, Algernon the ape’s case was covered in small marks from the many little hands and noses that pressed against the glass each day. Children adored Algernon.)

  Of course, Mr Badger didn’t personally lower the chandelier and dust the crystal and climb up a ladder to replace the light bulbs, or polish the floors and collect and wash the dishes from the dining room after morning and afternoon tea every day.

  Oh no, no, no. There were trained staff who did all of that.

  However, Mr Badger did give the orders and do the supervising. Every task had to be completed to a very high standard – the Boubles Grand Hotel standard – and it was most important that everything be done without any fuss. Sir Cecil and Lady Celia Smothers-Carruthers, the owners of the Boubles Grand Hotel, insisted on it.

  Sir Cecil and Lady Celia Smothers-Carruthers.

  ‘Keep up the good work,’ Sir Cecil would say whenever he passed Mr Badger in the corridor.

  Anyway, according to Mr Badger’s diary, there were no celebrities booked into the Boubles Grand Hotel today. Not even a princess for afternoon tea.

  Miss Pims arrived at work to find Mr Badger leaning back in his chair.

  ‘Good morning, Mr Badger!’ she said cheerfully.

  ‘And good morning to you, too,’ replied Mr Badger. ‘I’ve checked your diary entries and there seems to be nothing out of the ordinary. I’m looking forward to concentrating on tonight’s special event. It promises to be quite an occasion.’

  CHAPTER 3

  An Unexpected

  Guest

  A telephone call soon after informed Mr Badger that a special guest had arrived after all.

  ‘Mr Badger, sir,’ said a trembling voice. ‘It’s Robert in reception. We have a guest, the Duchess de la Dodo, and she insists on taking the Royal Suite.’

  ‘I don’t recall seeing a duchess in my diary,’ said Mr Badger, looking at Miss Pims, who in turn peered at the open page with ‘today’ at the top.

  ‘According to this there is definitely no duchess due today,’ said Miss Pims, nodding her head and raising her eyebrows.

  Now, the Royal Suite was always kept ready in case a foreign monarch came to stay while on an official visit to London.

  Occasionally, too, if local royalty dropped in for a late-night supper, Mr Badger would make arrangements for them to stay overnight in the Royal Suite – rather than have them go all the way back to the palace and troubling the guards with unlocking and locking innumerable gates and doors.

  That meant, of course, that the lucky prince or princess would then be free to relax, have a bubble bath and enjoy a famous Boubles Grand Hotel hot chocolate before turning in.

  Even though they were very busy, and her grace didn’t have a reservation, Mr Badger and Miss Pims went downstairs straight away
to personally welcome the Duchess de la Dodo. But neither of them was prepared for what was awaiting them at the reception desk.

  It was a tall woman. In fact, not just a tall woman but an extremely tall woman. Her hair was piled up high on her head, which made her look even taller. She was wearing large sunglasses and looked very mysterious.

  ‘Welcome, your grace,’ said Mr Badger politely, only just managing to conceal his surprise. To see her face, Mr Badger had to bend his head right back.

  The Duchess turned and with a majestic sweep of her arm snarled a haughty, ‘How do you do?’

  She had no luggage, just a large handbag.

  ‘We have made the Royal Suite available for your grace,’ said Mr Badger. ‘If there is anything at all extra that you need during your stay, please let us know. How long shall we have the pleasure of your company?’

  ‘Oh, a month or maybe two,’ replied the voice from above.

  Rather troubling news, thought Mr Badger, polishing his glasses.

  ‘That will be all, my good man,’ said the Duchess. Then she reached down and, with a tap, tap, tap, she patted Mr Badger on the head.

  CHAPTER 4

  A Guest in

  Distress

  Mr Badger was a little concerned. ‘Where will the Queen sleep if she drops in one evening and wants to stay overnight?’ he said to Miss Pims on the way back to their office, his furry brow furrowing.

  But for now Mr Badger put all thoughts of the Duchess aside as he started on his list of things to do. First he had to order the flowers for that evening’s extra-special event.

  Just then the telephone rang. Once again, it was Robert from reception.

  ‘I’m terribly sorry, sir, but her grace is in trouble.’

  ‘Oh dear, we are on our way,’ said Mr Badger. ‘I’m afraid our morning tasks will have to wait, Miss Pims.’

  On nearing reception, Mr Badger and Miss Pims were presented with a most peculiar sight. For there in the lift on the left were a pair of legs and a body that extended up, then disappeared out of sight. Worryingly, on the other side of the lift, looking out from the top, was an upside-down head.

  It was her grace, the Duchess de la Dodo. She was stuck firmly in the lift.

  ‘Good heavens,’ said Miss Pims, stifling a gasp.

  Others may have panicked, but not Mr Badger. Her grace, the Duchess de la Dodo, was a guest in distress, and this was a situation that demanded a cool head. Mr Badger summoned the fire brigade, who arrived minus bells and sirens. Then he instructed the Boubles Grand Hotel Orchestra to strike up some jolly music during morning tea so as to divert attention away from reception.

  ‘Is this the fire brigade?’

  While the other guests were happily distracted, dancing in the dining room, the Duchess was carefully unfolded by the fire fighters and removed from the lift.

  Then she was carted upstairs in a large sedan chair that Sir Cecil had found abandoned in France and Mr Badger kept at the ready for emergencies.

  CHAPTER 5

  The Demanding

  Duchess

  No sooner had her grace been safely delivered to the Royal Suite than Mr Badger, deep in discussion with the florist, was notified that there was another call from reception.

  ‘Her grace has complained that the bed is too short,’ said Robert.

  Mr Badger, never one to get flustered, made his way up, up, up to the top floor and tapped on the door.

  ‘Entrez,’ said a frosty voice. Fortunately Mr Badger knew a little French, and so he entered the room.

  The Duchess was resting, her extralong legs hanging over and off the end of the bed.

  ‘Well, your grace, this just won’t do,’ said Mr Badger with considerable aplomb.

  ‘My thoughts exactly,’ responded the long figure grumpily, as she slurped on a milkshake.

  Mr Badger picked up the telephone and made a quick call.

  Within minutes, a cluster of Boubles Grand Hotel handymen were at the door of the Royal Suite, carrying a bed.

  Once inside – and only then with the Duchess’s permission, of course – they lifted her amazingly straight legs and (under Mr Badger’s supervision) slid the extra bed in beneath her dainty feet.

  ‘Gently now, chaps,’ said Mr Badger.

  The Duchess didn’t need to lift a finger.

  ‘Wonderful,’ said Mr Badger. ‘Thank you, gentlemen.’

  There were no thanks from the Duchess de la Dodo, though. She was busy gulping down chocolates, having finished her milkshake.

  CHAPTER 6

  The Special

  Guest’s Requests

  With the Duchess’s comfort ensured, Mr Badger returned downstairs. He needed to oversee the re-hanging of the recently cleaned Boubles Grand Hotel Ballroom chandelier and inspect the splendidly re-polished parquetry floor. It was so shiny that Miss Pims and Mr Badger could see their faces reflected in it.

  Thanks to Miss Pims’ planning and Mr Badger’s expert organising skills, preparations for the stamp-collectors’ dinner were under control and running smoothly.

  Unfortunately, the atmosphere in the hotel kitchen was far from relaxed.

  Those in charge of room service, and in turn the kitchen staff, were finding it difficult to keep up with a flood of requests. And every request came from the special guest in the Royal Suite.

  For example, the Duchess had ordered: imported Belgian chocolate-chip ice-cream; a Scottish sponge cake, which had to be flown all the way down from Edinburgh by helicopter; and lots of lime-flavoured Latvian lemonade – all to be supplied ‘on the double’.

  And, everything was demanded and received without a single ‘please’ or ‘thank you’.

  Up and down, up and down stairways and into lifts staggered the Boubles Grand Hotel staff with a seemingly endless procession of sweets and treats.

  The Duchess even sent a bellboy out for pizzas!

  ‘I’ll attend to it immediately, sir,’ said Mr Badger to a disgruntled guest who complained that the Boubles Grand Hotel smelt like a pizza parlour.

  It seemed to some that the hotel was looking after just one guest.

  It wasn’t only food that the Duchess de la Dodo was ordering, either. She demanded many toys and games be delivered to her room quick smart – not to mention three television sets for her suite. Apparently there were three programs on at the same time on different channels, and she didn’t want to miss a thing.

  ‘I must admit her grace is a rather demanding guest,’ said Mr Badger to Miss Pims after supervising the installation of the third television.

  ‘Hmm, to say the least,’ came the reply.

  The Duchess was making the most of her

  stay at the Boubles Grand Hotel.

  CHAPTER 7

  Stamps Galore

  By now it was late afternoon and the Boubles Grand Hotel foyer was filling with eager stamp-collectors carrying their collections.

  Some philatelists swapped stories in the foyer.

  They were a rather shy lot, though this had never stopped them from having a wonderful – if quiet – time at their annual get-together. It was a chance to see each other’s stamps and maybe to do some serious swapping. For many, this was the one evening in the year when their most precious stamps were revealed to other collectors.

  Mr Badger and Miss Pims watched as guests streamed through the foyer into the Boubles Grand Hotel Ballroom. Mr Badger quietly gave instructions, greeted people, checked name cards and places, and made sure guests were shown to their correct tables. Most importantly, he did his best to make everyone feel welcome.

  Philatelists were filling the foyer.

  Sir Cecil was always ready for a chat.

  ‘Good evening, Sir Cecil – and how are we tonight, Lady Celia?’ said Mr Badger as the Smothers-Carrutherses were escorted to their VIP table. It was a well-kept secret, but Sir Cecil and Lady Celia weren’t interested in stamps at all; nonetheless, they were honoured to be patrons, and never missed a dinner. Especially as the B
oubles Grand Hotel was like a second home to the Philatelic Society.

  Upstairs in the Royal Suite, the Duchess had also been very busy. She’d insisted on ordering every last luxury that the hotel could offer, all the while never once removing her dark glasses.

  Meanwhile, downstairs, the kitchen was still on red alert, as her grace hadn’t stopped eating since she’d arrived.

  Now, though, with the sun going down and the lights outside going on, the Duchess was getting bored in her Royal Suite.

  There was nothing of interest on any of the televisions, so her grace made yet another call to room service.

  ‘Send up the bellboys with my sedan chair,’ she said. ‘I wish to go downstairs.’

  CHAPTER 8

  An Unexpected

  Entrance

  In the Boubles Grand Hotel Ballroom, a speech had been made by the President of the Philatelic Society and the stamp-collectors were enjoying their dinner, exchanging sensational stamp stories and swapping feverishly. Mr Badger had turned the air-conditioning off so as not to cause the guests discomfort, just in case the breeze ruffled the pages of their precious albums and unhinged the contents.

  Suddenly, a hush fell upon the room and all eyes turned towards an extraordinarily tall figure with a curled lip wearing sunglasses standing at the doorway. The Duchess had arrived, unannounced. She was on the lookout for some excitement.

  ‘Who is that?’ said Lady Celia to Mr Badger, who had just brought her a special cup of tea.